Adventuring with My Man

My husband and I went kayaking together on Saturday. This is a new thing for me, we just went out for a couple hours on a very tame river. I enjoyed myself. This canoeing/kayaking thing is something Jon has loved for a long time, so he was happy to have me along. Its an interesting feeling for me, we have been married for twenty years and we have a pretty good understanding of how our relationship works. But when I set down my old ways and try somethings a little different, I am noticing how many ways I am closed off from my husband. The adventure and freshness has been replaced with duties, resignation and routine... but if I mess with it just a little me and my significant other can look at things just a little different. It reminds me of how things used to be when we first were in love and makes me want a little more of that thrill. But it takes more time and energy to stay there and I must be willing to be disappointed and still keep my heart open and I noticed last night and this morning that I wanted close off, because frankly life is disappointing and we have responsibilities. Like he is off to the auction to buy more grain storage and I have dishes to do, meals to make and a hundred other things... but I think I will keep adventuring with Jon whenever I can cause life is short so it might as well be fun.

Who is All Good

This last week God and I hammered out my beliefs once again...the topic was judgement... that I had judged some people as good. I learned that I was going to go crazy if I did not give up this belief because nothing fit for me anymore. So now I believe there are no "good" people just like there are no "bad" people.(You should read Max Lacado's "You Are Special" children's book, he calls them stars and dots) Feel free to freak out... I did...but I think it is still true and right. There are just people trying to live there lives and do the best they can with whatever is important to them.
If I believe some one is "good" I have expectations of them, and they generally fail to meet them. If I get really carried away and give them a pedestal and a title, they usually end up falling off and then we get carried away in judging them... such as happens to famous people in the tabloids. If I think some one is wonderful enough to follow and copy how they live, or worse hold up as someone my children should be like... all I can say is very bad plan...we are all human.
The only thing is to hang on to God and love those around me the best I know how...which obviously will not be perfect but will be human and real. I will choose to treat everyone with respect and honor, kindness and patience even when I do not understand their behavior. For I do not know what their motives are or what is going on in them to cause them to behave the way they do.
I guess mental illness has been on my mind lately and that it is an unseen handicap that is frequently judged as bad behavior... there are many ways it is exhibited. Some things that occur make me uncomfortable and embarrassed, because of what others will think or what something "looks" like or the unwanted attention it brings.
I have several friends that fit in the above category and as I get to know them...so much of what they do and how they experience the world makes sense. They hold down jobs, are educated and operate in society with their hidden handicap... you really can not tell they have a handicap... its like there are quirks. As they share how they see the world with me my world gets so much bigger and less judgmental, so I am grateful to my friends for sharing their lives with me.
But before this gets too sunshine and roses, I also will say that it makes me angry that I was taught to think some people were better than others and that I knew what was going on. Sometimes I am very upset at the church and how I was led to think people fit in a box and if they did not then they were judged as not knowing God. Sometimes the news makes me angry because they present people as evil who do antisocial behavior without asking questions or delving into what really happened. It makes for a lot of "us" and "them" comments and ultimately me judging you... and back in the box I go... and the world is small, safe, angry, lonely, proud and bigoted. This world I do not like.

I AM BACK

Okay well I am finally back in...I was inspired in the past to write but due to memory loss I could not write. I could not remember my password nor my google account... so I was hooped. But today I got through! Miracles of miracles.
Some of you will not be happy about this, but too bad for you...I am back! LOL this old girl has returned.

Letting Go....

I am felling compelled to share with you all what is going on in my soul. I feel like God is asking for more of me. Its like being invited into deeper waters by God, there is more danger and unknowns but also rich experiences and many treasures...so I am drawn in by my desire for adventure. He is the coolest guide, has the most to offer, but He will take nothing less than my wholehearted commitment. Every time He invites me in I have to be willing to loose everything, and most times He takes me places that actually look like I will and then He shows up and I end up more blessed. I use the example of water because God is like a strong undertow and I must let him drag me under and stay relaxed so I can save my energy for the party He is taking me too. If I fight the undertow I can't enjoy the experience and I will not see the doors of opportunity He is inviting me into, all my energy will be used up fighting Him, who I am supposed to trust. I have done this dance with God regularly enough to know I want to...when He invited me on Tuesday I said yes. He did not tell me where we were going or what the cost would be...but I have experienced the thrill of the ride with Him and Oh yeah, I am in, my soul yells. But like usual last night was difficult, don't even know why fully and today I can feel Him moving the stuff around in my soul. It makes me feel insecure, jumpy and distressed....but like I said before I am getting ready to receive another piece of life from the hand of the Creator God.

The Many Faces of Shame

Recently I have been learning about shame and how destructive it has and presently is in my life. And how it ties me to the lies that keep me from really enjoying my life the way the the Creator of the Universe intended. One of the main reasons shame is so powerful is because it is so quietly consistently there, eroding my self-worth. Like black mold that contaminates a house, over years, this small thing untreated condemns a whole home.

For years I have felt that something is wrong with me, that I feel I am "less than" others. It seeps into my life and soon everything I think is filtered through this thought. And then life circumstances come along, which seem to verify the lie, and the common denominator is me, so then it is true. There really is something wrong with me. So when people say something nice to me there must be a catch...or they want something from me. I find it hard to admit mistakes and I need to be "right" so I don't feel so bad. My emptiness grows through my life experiences which I am living through the warped distorted lenses of my initial lie "that there is something wrong with me."

Of course this shame does not just come in this one form, that would be just too simple. Next it is "if I just could go on a warm vacation I would feel better" or "if we had another car, a bigger house, a boat, a skiidoo...." fill in the blank, its endless. "If I had a better job, lost weight, my kids loved me..." I can not believe that I can be loved, adequate and accepted for free. I continually think that I have to earn or repay anything I receive from others or God, I need to do more and work harder. I struggle with accepting gifts, compliments or just about any good thing...I might let it in my head but most definitely shut it out of my heart. And then even knowing what I like or want in life becomes difficult to figure out...cause this lie just keeps growing, just like the mold.

One more way shame has crept into my life is feeling over-responsible for things that happen. I have looked at situations around me to see what I did to "cause" these circumstances to happen or what I should have done to stop them. And because of my "shame filter" I interpret that I am the problem. This is far to big a burden to carry, its really God's problem to run the world and all the problems in it. But it often appears to me that He is doing nothing so I better get started fixing the world by myself. This is absolutely EXHAUSTING!!!

With the help of my counselor, group therapy and lots of self-help reading, I am beginning to see the lies and exchange them for truths. And like I shared a few weeks ago the self-condemning voices I used to hear have been silenced. I still have distorted vision and more renovating to do in my thinking...but it is coming. And its almost like having new lenses to look at the world with. There is hope. Its not so hard and exhausting. I can leave problems, people's attitudes and opinions where they belong...cause I am not here on planet earth to fix anyone but me. I can see that life is going to suddenly become a whole heck of a lot of FUN!

Its Been a While

I was cleaning out my closet this morning and came across something I wrote three years ago but I think its profound. And I believe it more than I did when I wrote it so I am going to share it. Cause God is healing my mind and emotions with His love and I just think its too wonderful not to share.

One of the greatest pains we as human beings have is of not being accepted, respected or loved, and because it is so painful we fear it. We all long to be loved I think that when I understand God's love for me in my soul this fear of rejection is gone. But in our world God has been misrepresented both in the church and out in the regular run of the mill world, so read my explanation and tell me what you think of it:

God loves us not because we are deserving and worthy, but because He can do nothing else but love us. God is Love. Nothing in us gave rise to His love and nothing in us can extinguish it. When we get this in our soul, the fear of not being loved is an impossible fear, for we are loved no matter what we do or become.

For those of you who need a Bible verse I give you Romans 5:8 "God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

The moment I begin to let God's love in and love the feeling of His love, that is the moment that I begin to love with His love. I love God with the love of God. And I love others with the love of God. God has loved me into loving and into loving with His love.

Once we grasp the fact that God loves us regardless, then that love produces love in return. "We love because He first loved us." 1John 4:19. It is not our love for Him that drives away fear, but His love for us. That love awakens love in us--we begin to love Him and love others. His love generates love in me.

If you think your problem is that you not love God enough then think again, for you have got it the wrong way around. Your problem is that you do not yet know how much delight God takes in you. Love begins and continues in our hearts when we allow His love to strike our heart and create the same degree of love in us.

Love Never Gives Up

Well today has me reflecting how I struggle to look after myself. Its not a pretty picture. Yesterday a good friend of mine started hassling me about "when am I going to get that tattoo that I promised myself for my birthday way back in June." Of course he assumed that I was afraid to get it, but as I thought about it I know that the real reason is that it is just frivolous, and I have to make time and effort to do something just for me. And I get this distressed feeling inside, and tears come to my eyes, because how do I justify doing something frivolous just for me...I don't believe I am important enough. This has always been my struggle as far back as I can remember. Admitting to any one out loud what I really wanted was impossible. I remember when I was eight having a conversation with one of my uncles about what I wanted, and kept saying "I don't know" and he kept saying "I had to tell him what I wanted." I think I ended up crying, I know I never gave him an answer. Now I realize he was trying to help me and I could not receive it. It would be so much easier if some else needed a tattoo and I took them and just got one for me while I was there. So my friends suggestion was lets fly to Toronto and get his tattoo finished by the guy he met out there and get one for me too...not practicle enough for me.

But this got me thinking, sometimes we just need that extra push from a friend to look after ourselves. Just someone taking us by the hand and saying I will go with you, you deserve it. So sometimes when I push you away I really am saying I need help, and I would like someone to break through my barriers and walls and say that I matter. Life beats us up on a regular basis and sometimes we get lost in the fray.

So last night I forced a better mattress on a friend of mine...cause I knew I could not be polite about it and wait for my friend to be ready. Kind of like yesterday another friend and I tried to give someone a couch, who broke theirs and by the time we got there they didn't want it. So we drove around town with a couch for nothing...but the thing is we tried. Always try, keep trying and don't give up. Sometimes we must step back, to protect ourselves so we survive, but I believe love never gives up.