Well today has me reflecting how I struggle to look after myself. Its not a pretty picture. Yesterday a good friend of mine started hassling me about "when am I going to get that tattoo that I promised myself for my birthday way back in June." Of course he assumed that I was afraid to get it, but as I thought about it I know that the real reason is that it is just frivolous, and I have to make time and effort to do something just for me. And I get this distressed feeling inside, and tears come to my eyes, because how do I justify doing something frivolous just for me...I don't believe I am important enough. This has always been my struggle as far back as I can remember. Admitting to any one out loud what I really wanted was impossible. I remember when I was eight having a conversation with one of my uncles about what I wanted, and kept saying "I don't know" and he kept saying "I had to tell him what I wanted." I think I ended up crying, I know I never gave him an answer. Now I realize he was trying to help me and I could not receive it. It would be so much easier if some else needed a tattoo and I took them and just got one for me while I was there. So my friends suggestion was lets fly to Toronto and get his tattoo finished by the guy he met out there and get one for me too...not practicle enough for me.
But this got me thinking, sometimes we just need that extra push from a friend to look after ourselves. Just someone taking us by the hand and saying I will go with you, you deserve it. So sometimes when I push you away I really am saying I need help, and I would like someone to break through my barriers and walls and say that I matter. Life beats us up on a regular basis and sometimes we get lost in the fray.
So last night I forced a better mattress on a friend of mine...cause I knew I could not be polite about it and wait for my friend to be ready. Kind of like yesterday another friend and I tried to give someone a couch, who broke theirs and by the time we got there they didn't want it. So we drove around town with a couch for nothing...but the thing is we tried. Always try, keep trying and don't give up. Sometimes we must step back, to protect ourselves so we survive, but I believe love never gives up.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thankfulness
Thanksgiving weekend reminds us to at least be thankful once a year. I am thinking we would be far better of if we would learn to be thankful every day, because no matter how hard the day was there is always good things to be found. At the very least we can be thankful to be able to read, if you are reading this. Some days I know it takes all ones concentration to be thankful, but when we think of something we are glad for it lifts our spirit.
So here goes my thankful list:
1. I am thankful for a nice warm house and a bed to sleep in, especially when it starts getting cold outside.
2. I am thankful for my husband who loves me, even when I wake him up in the night to talk.
3. I am thankful for healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids, who are no longer needing diaper changes and don't wake me in the night.
4. I am thankful that I have friends and family, even if we have lots of disagreements.
5. I am thankful for food to be able to put on a Thanksgiving dinner, even if groceries are expensive.
6. I am thankful for freedom and safety in our country called Cananda, even though I have to pay taxes.
7. I am thankful for my pets, even though they are underfoot.
8. I am thankful for running water, power and heat, even though I might not like my bills.
9. I am thankful for my van, even though I have to put expensive gas in it and it is apparently ruining the environment.
10. I am thankful for my health and that I am able bodied, even though I am 40.
11. I am thankful for God and my relationship with Him, even if I don't get why He allows so many terrible things to happen in the world.
12. I am thankful for phones and the internet and how they allow me to communicate long-distance, even if you all don't want to know what I think.
I know there is more...but that generally covers it. I just had to add the "even thoughs" because otherwise it just isn't real enough for me. I can choose to be thankful even though I know its not perfect or even very wonderful at times.
So here goes my thankful list:
1. I am thankful for a nice warm house and a bed to sleep in, especially when it starts getting cold outside.
2. I am thankful for my husband who loves me, even when I wake him up in the night to talk.
3. I am thankful for healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids, who are no longer needing diaper changes and don't wake me in the night.
4. I am thankful that I have friends and family, even if we have lots of disagreements.
5. I am thankful for food to be able to put on a Thanksgiving dinner, even if groceries are expensive.
6. I am thankful for freedom and safety in our country called Cananda, even though I have to pay taxes.
7. I am thankful for my pets, even though they are underfoot.
8. I am thankful for running water, power and heat, even though I might not like my bills.
9. I am thankful for my van, even though I have to put expensive gas in it and it is apparently ruining the environment.
10. I am thankful for my health and that I am able bodied, even though I am 40.
11. I am thankful for God and my relationship with Him, even if I don't get why He allows so many terrible things to happen in the world.
12. I am thankful for phones and the internet and how they allow me to communicate long-distance, even if you all don't want to know what I think.
I know there is more...but that generally covers it. I just had to add the "even thoughs" because otherwise it just isn't real enough for me. I can choose to be thankful even though I know its not perfect or even very wonderful at times.
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