The Many Faces of Shame

Recently I have been learning about shame and how destructive it has and presently is in my life. And how it ties me to the lies that keep me from really enjoying my life the way the the Creator of the Universe intended. One of the main reasons shame is so powerful is because it is so quietly consistently there, eroding my self-worth. Like black mold that contaminates a house, over years, this small thing untreated condemns a whole home.

For years I have felt that something is wrong with me, that I feel I am "less than" others. It seeps into my life and soon everything I think is filtered through this thought. And then life circumstances come along, which seem to verify the lie, and the common denominator is me, so then it is true. There really is something wrong with me. So when people say something nice to me there must be a catch...or they want something from me. I find it hard to admit mistakes and I need to be "right" so I don't feel so bad. My emptiness grows through my life experiences which I am living through the warped distorted lenses of my initial lie "that there is something wrong with me."

Of course this shame does not just come in this one form, that would be just too simple. Next it is "if I just could go on a warm vacation I would feel better" or "if we had another car, a bigger house, a boat, a skiidoo...." fill in the blank, its endless. "If I had a better job, lost weight, my kids loved me..." I can not believe that I can be loved, adequate and accepted for free. I continually think that I have to earn or repay anything I receive from others or God, I need to do more and work harder. I struggle with accepting gifts, compliments or just about any good thing...I might let it in my head but most definitely shut it out of my heart. And then even knowing what I like or want in life becomes difficult to figure out...cause this lie just keeps growing, just like the mold.

One more way shame has crept into my life is feeling over-responsible for things that happen. I have looked at situations around me to see what I did to "cause" these circumstances to happen or what I should have done to stop them. And because of my "shame filter" I interpret that I am the problem. This is far to big a burden to carry, its really God's problem to run the world and all the problems in it. But it often appears to me that He is doing nothing so I better get started fixing the world by myself. This is absolutely EXHAUSTING!!!

With the help of my counselor, group therapy and lots of self-help reading, I am beginning to see the lies and exchange them for truths. And like I shared a few weeks ago the self-condemning voices I used to hear have been silenced. I still have distorted vision and more renovating to do in my thinking...but it is coming. And its almost like having new lenses to look at the world with. There is hope. Its not so hard and exhausting. I can leave problems, people's attitudes and opinions where they belong...cause I am not here on planet earth to fix anyone but me. I can see that life is going to suddenly become a whole heck of a lot of FUN!

Its Been a While

I was cleaning out my closet this morning and came across something I wrote three years ago but I think its profound. And I believe it more than I did when I wrote it so I am going to share it. Cause God is healing my mind and emotions with His love and I just think its too wonderful not to share.

One of the greatest pains we as human beings have is of not being accepted, respected or loved, and because it is so painful we fear it. We all long to be loved I think that when I understand God's love for me in my soul this fear of rejection is gone. But in our world God has been misrepresented both in the church and out in the regular run of the mill world, so read my explanation and tell me what you think of it:

God loves us not because we are deserving and worthy, but because He can do nothing else but love us. God is Love. Nothing in us gave rise to His love and nothing in us can extinguish it. When we get this in our soul, the fear of not being loved is an impossible fear, for we are loved no matter what we do or become.

For those of you who need a Bible verse I give you Romans 5:8 "God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

The moment I begin to let God's love in and love the feeling of His love, that is the moment that I begin to love with His love. I love God with the love of God. And I love others with the love of God. God has loved me into loving and into loving with His love.

Once we grasp the fact that God loves us regardless, then that love produces love in return. "We love because He first loved us." 1John 4:19. It is not our love for Him that drives away fear, but His love for us. That love awakens love in us--we begin to love Him and love others. His love generates love in me.

If you think your problem is that you not love God enough then think again, for you have got it the wrong way around. Your problem is that you do not yet know how much delight God takes in you. Love begins and continues in our hearts when we allow His love to strike our heart and create the same degree of love in us.

Love Never Gives Up

Well today has me reflecting how I struggle to look after myself. Its not a pretty picture. Yesterday a good friend of mine started hassling me about "when am I going to get that tattoo that I promised myself for my birthday way back in June." Of course he assumed that I was afraid to get it, but as I thought about it I know that the real reason is that it is just frivolous, and I have to make time and effort to do something just for me. And I get this distressed feeling inside, and tears come to my eyes, because how do I justify doing something frivolous just for me...I don't believe I am important enough. This has always been my struggle as far back as I can remember. Admitting to any one out loud what I really wanted was impossible. I remember when I was eight having a conversation with one of my uncles about what I wanted, and kept saying "I don't know" and he kept saying "I had to tell him what I wanted." I think I ended up crying, I know I never gave him an answer. Now I realize he was trying to help me and I could not receive it. It would be so much easier if some else needed a tattoo and I took them and just got one for me while I was there. So my friends suggestion was lets fly to Toronto and get his tattoo finished by the guy he met out there and get one for me too...not practicle enough for me.

But this got me thinking, sometimes we just need that extra push from a friend to look after ourselves. Just someone taking us by the hand and saying I will go with you, you deserve it. So sometimes when I push you away I really am saying I need help, and I would like someone to break through my barriers and walls and say that I matter. Life beats us up on a regular basis and sometimes we get lost in the fray.

So last night I forced a better mattress on a friend of mine...cause I knew I could not be polite about it and wait for my friend to be ready. Kind of like yesterday another friend and I tried to give someone a couch, who broke theirs and by the time we got there they didn't want it. So we drove around town with a couch for nothing...but the thing is we tried. Always try, keep trying and don't give up. Sometimes we must step back, to protect ourselves so we survive, but I believe love never gives up.

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving weekend reminds us to at least be thankful once a year. I am thinking we would be far better of if we would learn to be thankful every day, because no matter how hard the day was there is always good things to be found. At the very least we can be thankful to be able to read, if you are reading this. Some days I know it takes all ones concentration to be thankful, but when we think of something we are glad for it lifts our spirit.

So here goes my thankful list:
1. I am thankful for a nice warm house and a bed to sleep in, especially when it starts getting cold outside.
2. I am thankful for my husband who loves me, even when I wake him up in the night to talk.
3. I am thankful for healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids, who are no longer needing diaper changes and don't wake me in the night.
4. I am thankful that I have friends and family, even if we have lots of disagreements.
5. I am thankful for food to be able to put on a Thanksgiving dinner, even if groceries are expensive.
6. I am thankful for freedom and safety in our country called Cananda, even though I have to pay taxes.
7. I am thankful for my pets, even though they are underfoot.
8. I am thankful for running water, power and heat, even though I might not like my bills.
9. I am thankful for my van, even though I have to put expensive gas in it and it is apparently ruining the environment.
10. I am thankful for my health and that I am able bodied, even though I am 40.
11. I am thankful for God and my relationship with Him, even if I don't get why He allows so many terrible things to happen in the world.
12. I am thankful for phones and the internet and how they allow me to communicate long-distance, even if you all don't want to know what I think.

I know there is more...but that generally covers it. I just had to add the "even thoughs" because otherwise it just isn't real enough for me. I can choose to be thankful even though I know its not perfect or even very wonderful at times.

Life this Week

Life is washing over me at this point, maybe I am in boot camp, whatever it is I can not even get upset at this point. When a steady stream of life and people come at you simply because you are using your gifts it gets to the point were I am just sitting down and the crowd flows around me. Sometimes it feels like its a taste of how Jesus felt when people just wanted to be touched by Him, healed by Him, listen to Him teach or just be near Him cause He had something special. I used to be shy and careful about who I was 'real' around and then God convicted me to be who He created me to be all the time. I am still not always the 'real' me, the worst place of course is the church. I know that comes as a shocker to you all(enter sarcasm).


I think its also a big adjustment to have Jon gone again for another week. I know there are lots of you who live with husbands who work away a lot more than what my Jon does, but I miss him, and feel the extra burden it is to have him gone. He supports me A LOT in my ministry to people, and he is one who I debrief with at the end of the day. And when he is at the mine he is too busy and too tired to do much of that for me...so I must stretch some more. And God seems to always make sure there are a few crisis that happen while Jon is gone so I have to grow a little further. Most of what I would like to share I can't because it affects other people and most of the stories are just too personal.


But these two anecdotes I will share, I got hit on twice this week by men who I don't think will ever read this and I just must share cause they are so funny. One guy was in the medical waiting room and needed to spend a minute telling me that I had really cute toes, were my feet cold and he liked that my toe nails were not painted. This struck me as hilarious because my friends and I have a running joke about feet...so now our joke came true and I was surprised. I am a barefoot and sandals kind of girl from about May till September, or as weather allows it, and I have never had someone focus on my feet. Then last night in the grocery store I smiled at a man, which I normally do smile at everyone as I go about my business. Anyways he responded with you have such a beautiful smile you should get flowers every day!!! Hilarious!! I laughed and said of course I don't get flowers everyday and I was amused for the rest of the evening and shared the line with my 17 year old son who laughed and said "that is the cheesiest line he ever heard." I told my husband Jon that I must be wearing a t-shirt that says "My husband is away working in a mine, I am lonely." Life is funny if you let it. I can either laugh or get upset....I choose to laugh.

Well my silence is usually due to being overwhelmed with life. Or else I am trying to say things tactfully so as not to make the people I live with in my small town take everything wrong. You can light your world on fire quickly with a few sentences...and do I know it. But I still think its better for freedom of speech to rule. I am admitting my struggle with this due to much judgment of others I find it hard to write from my heart, but the passions in my soul tell me to speak. So we have the balance beam of truth and love to walk...I think some people in my culture think truth and love should feel good. But real love is painful and we all know truth cuts like a knife...especially the truth we don't want to hear. YOUCH!!

A little over two weeks ago we moved our oldest son to a city about 2 and a half hours from us to go to University. He took his first year by long distance and was able to save money and live at home. I liked this and it was a nice adjustment time for him and he got more scholarship money, so it was a good plan. Then from May to August he worked at a kids camp and lived there so he was kind of already moved out. So the trauma was not as great to my heart, but you really want your child to be happy, safe and loved...so as I have learned every change brings a clutching of my hands as I hope and pray it works out. And the interesting thing I have also learned is as they get older they have to take more risks and they most definitely do not always need or want you present. So off he goes into the world, calling when he needs something or when his heart's gotten broken, meanwhile I live my life....with an open hand, not making demands of phone calls or guilt about when are you coming home comments. Loving unconditionally, no matter what is my motto.

Then I had a cat up until a couple of weeks ago who was just a lovable little fellow and I fell in love with him, Chubby was his name. But unfortunately he was eaten by one of our wild coyotes, cause we live in the country and I have always let my animals roam freely because they want to and I usually let everything around me follow its heart. But I have come to realize that the pain from the loss of Chubby makes me want to not love my other pets now, I want to harden my heart and withdraw from my pets. But this is not okay for me or my other pets. So I will work at loving with my heart wide open, taking the risks and losses that come my way. Because I do not want to miss out on all that life and God have to offer...and I know I will have pain. That is guaranteed.

Toxic Thougts

So I am reading another book called "Who Switched Off My Brain?" by Caroline Leaf this is not a big surprise but I would like to consider something she writes. She writes that a Dr. Aaron Beck believes that toxic emotions arise from three negative and incorrect beliefs that people commonly think, these being:

1. I must do well.
2. You must treat me well.
3. The world must be easy.

The first thought really threw me. I thought of course we are supposed to do well, what would happen if I did not try to do well, that would be no good. But at second look, if I stop demanding unrealistic expectations of myself I would be kind to me and my brain. Otherwise I find myself going through all the things I did not get done today, and thinking through all the ways I failed today or could have said something better. Been kinder, shared more, worked harder and then I just want to hit myself on the head and pass out.

So being kinder to myself and extending grace and mercy to me would be like being a good friend to Becky. I like this.

Then the next thought that 'you must treat me well' is definitely going to give me a headache. Cause we all know that life is not kind and nothing is fair...so I will continually be upset by disappointment when people are not kind either on purposely mean or just not noticing my needs due to self absorption.

And lastly the world is most absolutely not easy. Lately I have been just sit down silently shocked at how not nice it really is: tragic deaths, sickness, job loss, abuse of all kinds, homelessness, and the list goes on....and if you hear some people's story, its amazing how a bunch of really ugly things will just pile in on one person. Leaving me just speechless. There are no explanations, Bible verses or platitudes for some of the things I have heard this week...but there in the middle of the darkness I see a ray of light, just a trickle but it helps us to keep hanging on just a little longer and then eventually the sun rises again and we go on, against great odds the human spirit struggles on.