Well today has me reflecting how I struggle to look after myself. Its not a pretty picture. Yesterday a good friend of mine started hassling me about "when am I going to get that tattoo that I promised myself for my birthday way back in June." Of course he assumed that I was afraid to get it, but as I thought about it I know that the real reason is that it is just frivolous, and I have to make time and effort to do something just for me. And I get this distressed feeling inside, and tears come to my eyes, because how do I justify doing something frivolous just for me...I don't believe I am important enough. This has always been my struggle as far back as I can remember. Admitting to any one out loud what I really wanted was impossible. I remember when I was eight having a conversation with one of my uncles about what I wanted, and kept saying "I don't know" and he kept saying "I had to tell him what I wanted." I think I ended up crying, I know I never gave him an answer. Now I realize he was trying to help me and I could not receive it. It would be so much easier if some else needed a tattoo and I took them and just got one for me while I was there. So my friends suggestion was lets fly to Toronto and get his tattoo finished by the guy he met out there and get one for me too...not practicle enough for me.
But this got me thinking, sometimes we just need that extra push from a friend to look after ourselves. Just someone taking us by the hand and saying I will go with you, you deserve it. So sometimes when I push you away I really am saying I need help, and I would like someone to break through my barriers and walls and say that I matter. Life beats us up on a regular basis and sometimes we get lost in the fray.
So last night I forced a better mattress on a friend of mine...cause I knew I could not be polite about it and wait for my friend to be ready. Kind of like yesterday another friend and I tried to give someone a couch, who broke theirs and by the time we got there they didn't want it. So we drove around town with a couch for nothing...but the thing is we tried. Always try, keep trying and don't give up. Sometimes we must step back, to protect ourselves so we survive, but I believe love never gives up.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thankfulness
Thanksgiving weekend reminds us to at least be thankful once a year. I am thinking we would be far better of if we would learn to be thankful every day, because no matter how hard the day was there is always good things to be found. At the very least we can be thankful to be able to read, if you are reading this. Some days I know it takes all ones concentration to be thankful, but when we think of something we are glad for it lifts our spirit.
So here goes my thankful list:
1. I am thankful for a nice warm house and a bed to sleep in, especially when it starts getting cold outside.
2. I am thankful for my husband who loves me, even when I wake him up in the night to talk.
3. I am thankful for healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids, who are no longer needing diaper changes and don't wake me in the night.
4. I am thankful that I have friends and family, even if we have lots of disagreements.
5. I am thankful for food to be able to put on a Thanksgiving dinner, even if groceries are expensive.
6. I am thankful for freedom and safety in our country called Cananda, even though I have to pay taxes.
7. I am thankful for my pets, even though they are underfoot.
8. I am thankful for running water, power and heat, even though I might not like my bills.
9. I am thankful for my van, even though I have to put expensive gas in it and it is apparently ruining the environment.
10. I am thankful for my health and that I am able bodied, even though I am 40.
11. I am thankful for God and my relationship with Him, even if I don't get why He allows so many terrible things to happen in the world.
12. I am thankful for phones and the internet and how they allow me to communicate long-distance, even if you all don't want to know what I think.
I know there is more...but that generally covers it. I just had to add the "even thoughs" because otherwise it just isn't real enough for me. I can choose to be thankful even though I know its not perfect or even very wonderful at times.
So here goes my thankful list:
1. I am thankful for a nice warm house and a bed to sleep in, especially when it starts getting cold outside.
2. I am thankful for my husband who loves me, even when I wake him up in the night to talk.
3. I am thankful for healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids, who are no longer needing diaper changes and don't wake me in the night.
4. I am thankful that I have friends and family, even if we have lots of disagreements.
5. I am thankful for food to be able to put on a Thanksgiving dinner, even if groceries are expensive.
6. I am thankful for freedom and safety in our country called Cananda, even though I have to pay taxes.
7. I am thankful for my pets, even though they are underfoot.
8. I am thankful for running water, power and heat, even though I might not like my bills.
9. I am thankful for my van, even though I have to put expensive gas in it and it is apparently ruining the environment.
10. I am thankful for my health and that I am able bodied, even though I am 40.
11. I am thankful for God and my relationship with Him, even if I don't get why He allows so many terrible things to happen in the world.
12. I am thankful for phones and the internet and how they allow me to communicate long-distance, even if you all don't want to know what I think.
I know there is more...but that generally covers it. I just had to add the "even thoughs" because otherwise it just isn't real enough for me. I can choose to be thankful even though I know its not perfect or even very wonderful at times.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Life this Week
Life is washing over me at this point, maybe I am in boot camp, whatever it is I can not even get upset at this point. When a steady stream of life and people come at you simply because you are using your gifts it gets to the point were I am just sitting down and the crowd flows around me. Sometimes it feels like its a taste of how Jesus felt when people just wanted to be touched by Him, healed by Him, listen to Him teach or just be near Him cause He had something special. I used to be shy and careful about who I was 'real' around and then God convicted me to be who He created me to be all the time. I am still not always the 'real' me, the worst place of course is the church. I know that comes as a shocker to you all(enter sarcasm).
I think its also a big adjustment to have Jon gone again for another week. I know there are lots of you who live with husbands who work away a lot more than what my Jon does, but I miss him, and feel the extra burden it is to have him gone. He supports me A LOT in my ministry to people, and he is one who I debrief with at the end of the day. And when he is at the mine he is too busy and too tired to do much of that for me...so I must stretch some more. And God seems to always make sure there are a few crisis that happen while Jon is gone so I have to grow a little further. Most of what I would like to share I can't because it affects other people and most of the stories are just too personal.
But these two anecdotes I will share, I got hit on twice this week by men who I don't think will ever read this and I just must share cause they are so funny. One guy was in the medical waiting room and needed to spend a minute telling me that I had really cute toes, were my feet cold and he liked that my toe nails were not painted. This struck me as hilarious because my friends and I have a running joke about feet...so now our joke came true and I was surprised. I am a barefoot and sandals kind of girl from about May till September, or as weather allows it, and I have never had someone focus on my feet. Then last night in the grocery store I smiled at a man, which I normally do smile at everyone as I go about my business. Anyways he responded with you have such a beautiful smile you should get flowers every day!!! Hilarious!! I laughed and said of course I don't get flowers everyday and I was amused for the rest of the evening and shared the line with my 17 year old son who laughed and said "that is the cheesiest line he ever heard." I told my husband Jon that I must be wearing a t-shirt that says "My husband is away working in a mine, I am lonely." Life is funny if you let it. I can either laugh or get upset....I choose to laugh.
I think its also a big adjustment to have Jon gone again for another week. I know there are lots of you who live with husbands who work away a lot more than what my Jon does, but I miss him, and feel the extra burden it is to have him gone. He supports me A LOT in my ministry to people, and he is one who I debrief with at the end of the day. And when he is at the mine he is too busy and too tired to do much of that for me...so I must stretch some more. And God seems to always make sure there are a few crisis that happen while Jon is gone so I have to grow a little further. Most of what I would like to share I can't because it affects other people and most of the stories are just too personal.
But these two anecdotes I will share, I got hit on twice this week by men who I don't think will ever read this and I just must share cause they are so funny. One guy was in the medical waiting room and needed to spend a minute telling me that I had really cute toes, were my feet cold and he liked that my toe nails were not painted. This struck me as hilarious because my friends and I have a running joke about feet...so now our joke came true and I was surprised. I am a barefoot and sandals kind of girl from about May till September, or as weather allows it, and I have never had someone focus on my feet. Then last night in the grocery store I smiled at a man, which I normally do smile at everyone as I go about my business. Anyways he responded with you have such a beautiful smile you should get flowers every day!!! Hilarious!! I laughed and said of course I don't get flowers everyday and I was amused for the rest of the evening and shared the line with my 17 year old son who laughed and said "that is the cheesiest line he ever heard." I told my husband Jon that I must be wearing a t-shirt that says "My husband is away working in a mine, I am lonely." Life is funny if you let it. I can either laugh or get upset....I choose to laugh.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Well my silence is usually due to being overwhelmed with life. Or else I am trying to say things tactfully so as not to make the people I live with in my small town take everything wrong. You can light your world on fire quickly with a few sentences...and do I know it. But I still think its better for freedom of speech to rule. I am admitting my struggle with this due to much judgment of others I find it hard to write from my heart, but the passions in my soul tell me to speak. So we have the balance beam of truth and love to walk...I think some people in my culture think truth and love should feel good. But real love is painful and we all know truth cuts like a knife...especially the truth we don't want to hear. YOUCH!!
A little over two weeks ago we moved our oldest son to a city about 2 and a half hours from us to go to University. He took his first year by long distance and was able to save money and live at home. I liked this and it was a nice adjustment time for him and he got more scholarship money, so it was a good plan. Then from May to August he worked at a kids camp and lived there so he was kind of already moved out. So the trauma was not as great to my heart, but you really want your child to be happy, safe and loved...so as I have learned every change brings a clutching of my hands as I hope and pray it works out. And the interesting thing I have also learned is as they get older they have to take more risks and they most definitely do not always need or want you present. So off he goes into the world, calling when he needs something or when his heart's gotten broken, meanwhile I live my life....with an open hand, not making demands of phone calls or guilt about when are you coming home comments. Loving unconditionally, no matter what is my motto.
Then I had a cat up until a couple of weeks ago who was just a lovable little fellow and I fell in love with him, Chubby was his name. But unfortunately he was eaten by one of our wild coyotes, cause we live in the country and I have always let my animals roam freely because they want to and I usually let everything around me follow its heart. But I have come to realize that the pain from the loss of Chubby makes me want to not love my other pets now, I want to harden my heart and withdraw from my pets. But this is not okay for me or my other pets. So I will work at loving with my heart wide open, taking the risks and losses that come my way. Because I do not want to miss out on all that life and God have to offer...and I know I will have pain. That is guaranteed.
A little over two weeks ago we moved our oldest son to a city about 2 and a half hours from us to go to University. He took his first year by long distance and was able to save money and live at home. I liked this and it was a nice adjustment time for him and he got more scholarship money, so it was a good plan. Then from May to August he worked at a kids camp and lived there so he was kind of already moved out. So the trauma was not as great to my heart, but you really want your child to be happy, safe and loved...so as I have learned every change brings a clutching of my hands as I hope and pray it works out. And the interesting thing I have also learned is as they get older they have to take more risks and they most definitely do not always need or want you present. So off he goes into the world, calling when he needs something or when his heart's gotten broken, meanwhile I live my life....with an open hand, not making demands of phone calls or guilt about when are you coming home comments. Loving unconditionally, no matter what is my motto.
Then I had a cat up until a couple of weeks ago who was just a lovable little fellow and I fell in love with him, Chubby was his name. But unfortunately he was eaten by one of our wild coyotes, cause we live in the country and I have always let my animals roam freely because they want to and I usually let everything around me follow its heart. But I have come to realize that the pain from the loss of Chubby makes me want to not love my other pets now, I want to harden my heart and withdraw from my pets. But this is not okay for me or my other pets. So I will work at loving with my heart wide open, taking the risks and losses that come my way. Because I do not want to miss out on all that life and God have to offer...and I know I will have pain. That is guaranteed.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Toxic Thougts
So I am reading another book called "Who Switched Off My Brain?" by Caroline Leaf this is not a big surprise but I would like to consider something she writes. She writes that a Dr. Aaron Beck believes that toxic emotions arise from three negative and incorrect beliefs that people commonly think, these being:
1. I must do well.
2. You must treat me well.
3. The world must be easy.
The first thought really threw me. I thought of course we are supposed to do well, what would happen if I did not try to do well, that would be no good. But at second look, if I stop demanding unrealistic expectations of myself I would be kind to me and my brain. Otherwise I find myself going through all the things I did not get done today, and thinking through all the ways I failed today or could have said something better. Been kinder, shared more, worked harder and then I just want to hit myself on the head and pass out.
So being kinder to myself and extending grace and mercy to me would be like being a good friend to Becky. I like this.
Then the next thought that 'you must treat me well' is definitely going to give me a headache. Cause we all know that life is not kind and nothing is fair...so I will continually be upset by disappointment when people are not kind either on purposely mean or just not noticing my needs due to self absorption.
And lastly the world is most absolutely not easy. Lately I have been just sit down silently shocked at how not nice it really is: tragic deaths, sickness, job loss, abuse of all kinds, homelessness, and the list goes on....and if you hear some people's story, its amazing how a bunch of really ugly things will just pile in on one person. Leaving me just speechless. There are no explanations, Bible verses or platitudes for some of the things I have heard this week...but there in the middle of the darkness I see a ray of light, just a trickle but it helps us to keep hanging on just a little longer and then eventually the sun rises again and we go on, against great odds the human spirit struggles on.
1. I must do well.
2. You must treat me well.
3. The world must be easy.
The first thought really threw me. I thought of course we are supposed to do well, what would happen if I did not try to do well, that would be no good. But at second look, if I stop demanding unrealistic expectations of myself I would be kind to me and my brain. Otherwise I find myself going through all the things I did not get done today, and thinking through all the ways I failed today or could have said something better. Been kinder, shared more, worked harder and then I just want to hit myself on the head and pass out.
So being kinder to myself and extending grace and mercy to me would be like being a good friend to Becky. I like this.
Then the next thought that 'you must treat me well' is definitely going to give me a headache. Cause we all know that life is not kind and nothing is fair...so I will continually be upset by disappointment when people are not kind either on purposely mean or just not noticing my needs due to self absorption.
And lastly the world is most absolutely not easy. Lately I have been just sit down silently shocked at how not nice it really is: tragic deaths, sickness, job loss, abuse of all kinds, homelessness, and the list goes on....and if you hear some people's story, its amazing how a bunch of really ugly things will just pile in on one person. Leaving me just speechless. There are no explanations, Bible verses or platitudes for some of the things I have heard this week...but there in the middle of the darkness I see a ray of light, just a trickle but it helps us to keep hanging on just a little longer and then eventually the sun rises again and we go on, against great odds the human spirit struggles on.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Following is it Worth It???
Well this evening I am feeling overwhelmed by the pain in the world...and I am aware that I was only seeing a very small portion. I moan inside at the struggling, hurting, meanness, pain, and why oh why thoughts. I believe that God is good, it took me most of my adult life to come to believe it...and it is true. But God allows free will, so we humans can choose whatever we want and oh the pain it causes!!! But I also have come to realize that the pain allows growth and sometimes even a change of direction that can be quite wonderful if we let it. And so I will allow the pain in and carry the burden with those who are along the paths God sends me...I will obey. I say this very seriously because I know what this means...I know that it will mean risk, suffering when I don't have to, stopping to help when it is inconvenient and exhausting and loving with my heart wide open whether they deserve it or not...because you tell me which one of us deserves God's love?
This book "crazy love" written by Francis Chan asks would we follow Jesus? "Maybe He would lead you to another country, and you would never see your family again. Or perhaps you would stay put, but He would ask you to spend your time helping people who will never love you back and never show gratitude for what you gave up? Consider this carefully---have you ever done so?"
This book "crazy love" written by Francis Chan asks would we follow Jesus? "Maybe He would lead you to another country, and you would never see your family again. Or perhaps you would stay put, but He would ask you to spend your time helping people who will never love you back and never show gratitude for what you gave up? Consider this carefully---have you ever done so?"
Monday, June 22, 2009
I Think I Might be a Redneck
Okay for all of you out there in blogland, I live in rural Saskatchewan...and sometimes things just happen. Two separate instances of "you might just be a redneck?" happened today...so I shall share.
The first was when I went walking down my lane to deposit my household garbage in the burning barrel(yes some of you are getting the picture already), who should come driving down my lane but the sewer truck. Now we have a lagoon system for our sewer, so the sewer truck never comes by as we have no need for him. So he stops by me on the road, rolls down his window and I ask who are you looking for cause its not us. Well he says he doesn't know the name of the people, but he was supposed to go past two houses, down the town lagoon road and find a religious fellow with a sewer problem. Well who but a rural redneck goes driving looking for a religious fellow with a sewer problem down a gravel road. I described all the surrounding neighbors and he decided to head down the road a little farther...hope he found the religious fellow?!
Today was my birthday so I got a air-soft pistol in the mail from one of my dear friends, Tara, along with a number of other lovely things. Now this is my second or third gun this year...as I broke the first...actually one of the my children sat on it and broke off the barrel. Anyways my dear husband Jonathan was trying to show me all the guns lovely features like the safety...well apparently the safety was not on because as I leaned over to look at the gun BAMM he shot me in the boob at close range. Well let me tell you that hurts, so my new warning is don't just watch your eyes watch out for your boobs too. The horrified look on Jon's face was so funny it was worth the injury. I walked away laughing.
So today leaves me wondering...am I a redneck?! I don't know?
The first was when I went walking down my lane to deposit my household garbage in the burning barrel(yes some of you are getting the picture already), who should come driving down my lane but the sewer truck. Now we have a lagoon system for our sewer, so the sewer truck never comes by as we have no need for him. So he stops by me on the road, rolls down his window and I ask who are you looking for cause its not us. Well he says he doesn't know the name of the people, but he was supposed to go past two houses, down the town lagoon road and find a religious fellow with a sewer problem. Well who but a rural redneck goes driving looking for a religious fellow with a sewer problem down a gravel road. I described all the surrounding neighbors and he decided to head down the road a little farther...hope he found the religious fellow?!
Today was my birthday so I got a air-soft pistol in the mail from one of my dear friends, Tara, along with a number of other lovely things. Now this is my second or third gun this year...as I broke the first...actually one of the my children sat on it and broke off the barrel. Anyways my dear husband Jonathan was trying to show me all the guns lovely features like the safety...well apparently the safety was not on because as I leaned over to look at the gun BAMM he shot me in the boob at close range. Well let me tell you that hurts, so my new warning is don't just watch your eyes watch out for your boobs too. The horrified look on Jon's face was so funny it was worth the injury. I walked away laughing.
So today leaves me wondering...am I a redneck?! I don't know?
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