Thursday, June 17, 2010

Letting Go....

I am felling compelled to share with you all what is going on in my soul. I feel like God is asking for more of me. Its like being invited into deeper waters by God, there is more danger and unknowns but also rich experiences and many I am drawn in by my desire for adventure. He is the coolest guide, has the most to offer, but He will take nothing less than my wholehearted commitment. Every time He invites me in I have to be willing to loose everything, and most times He takes me places that actually look like I will and then He shows up and I end up more blessed. I use the example of water because God is like a strong undertow and I must let him drag me under and stay relaxed so I can save my energy for the party He is taking me too. If I fight the undertow I can't enjoy the experience and I will not see the doors of opportunity He is inviting me into, all my energy will be used up fighting Him, who I am supposed to trust. I have done this dance with God regularly enough to know I want to...when He invited me on Tuesday I said yes. He did not tell me where we were going or what the cost would be...but I have experienced the thrill of the ride with Him and Oh yeah, I am in, my soul yells. But like usual last night was difficult, don't even know why fully and today I can feel Him moving the stuff around in my soul. It makes me feel insecure, jumpy and distressed....but like I said before I am getting ready to receive another piece of life from the hand of the Creator God.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Many Faces of Shame

Recently I have been learning about shame and how destructive it has and presently is in my life. And how it ties me to the lies that keep me from really enjoying my life the way the the Creator of the Universe intended. One of the main reasons shame is so powerful is because it is so quietly consistently there, eroding my self-worth. Like black mold that contaminates a house, over years, this small thing untreated condemns a whole home.

For years I have felt that something is wrong with me, that I feel I am "less than" others. It seeps into my life and soon everything I think is filtered through this thought. And then life circumstances come along, which seem to verify the lie, and the common denominator is me, so then it is true. There really is something wrong with me. So when people say something nice to me there must be a catch...or they want something from me. I find it hard to admit mistakes and I need to be "right" so I don't feel so bad. My emptiness grows through my life experiences which I am living through the warped distorted lenses of my initial lie "that there is something wrong with me."

Of course this shame does not just come in this one form, that would be just too simple. Next it is "if I just could go on a warm vacation I would feel better" or "if we had another car, a bigger house, a boat, a skiidoo...." fill in the blank, its endless. "If I had a better job, lost weight, my kids loved me..." I can not believe that I can be loved, adequate and accepted for free. I continually think that I have to earn or repay anything I receive from others or God, I need to do more and work harder. I struggle with accepting gifts, compliments or just about any good thing...I might let it in my head but most definitely shut it out of my heart. And then even knowing what I like or want in life becomes difficult to figure out...cause this lie just keeps growing, just like the mold.

One more way shame has crept into my life is feeling over-responsible for things that happen. I have looked at situations around me to see what I did to "cause" these circumstances to happen or what I should have done to stop them. And because of my "shame filter" I interpret that I am the problem. This is far to big a burden to carry, its really God's problem to run the world and all the problems in it. But it often appears to me that He is doing nothing so I better get started fixing the world by myself. This is absolutely EXHAUSTING!!!

With the help of my counselor, group therapy and lots of self-help reading, I am beginning to see the lies and exchange them for truths. And like I shared a few weeks ago the self-condemning voices I used to hear have been silenced. I still have distorted vision and more renovating to do in my thinking...but it is coming. And its almost like having new lenses to look at the world with. There is hope. Its not so hard and exhausting. I can leave problems, people's attitudes and opinions where they belong...cause I am not here on planet earth to fix anyone but me. I can see that life is going to suddenly become a whole heck of a lot of FUN!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Its Been a While

I was cleaning out my closet this morning and came across something I wrote three years ago but I think its profound. And I believe it more than I did when I wrote it so I am going to share it. Cause God is healing my mind and emotions with His love and I just think its too wonderful not to share.

One of the greatest pains we as human beings have is of not being accepted, respected or loved, and because it is so painful we fear it. We all long to be loved I think that when I understand God's love for me in my soul this fear of rejection is gone. But in our world God has been misrepresented both in the church and out in the regular run of the mill world, so read my explanation and tell me what you think of it:

God loves us not because we are deserving and worthy, but because He can do nothing else but love us. God is Love. Nothing in us gave rise to His love and nothing in us can extinguish it. When we get this in our soul, the fear of not being loved is an impossible fear, for we are loved no matter what we do or become.

For those of you who need a Bible verse I give you Romans 5:8 "God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

The moment I begin to let God's love in and love the feeling of His love, that is the moment that I begin to love with His love. I love God with the love of God. And I love others with the love of God. God has loved me into loving and into loving with His love.

Once we grasp the fact that God loves us regardless, then that love produces love in return. "We love because He first loved us." 1John 4:19. It is not our love for Him that drives away fear, but His love for us. That love awakens love in us--we begin to love Him and love others. His love generates love in me.

If you think your problem is that you not love God enough then think again, for you have got it the wrong way around. Your problem is that you do not yet know how much delight God takes in you. Love begins and continues in our hearts when we allow His love to strike our heart and create the same degree of love in us.