Homework

Well as I have previously mentioned I am going for counseling, the ladies name is Val and I find it most useful. She is presently helping me to overcome what could only be called rage at the church, due to being raised a preacher's child and exposed to what most people would call abuse. Yes I believe that the church abused me throughout my upbringing and then of course I have yet to see it stop. With her help I have come to recognize the wrong beliefs and values I once thought foundational, and sort out the parts that I am responsible for and the parts that just are what they are. Anyways it came out at my last session that I have a huge trust issue with God, and anyone for that matter. I learned that I very quickly put up walls and protect myself from others, including God. Its kind of like I make deals...I will do this if you do that...or I will tell you this if you tell me a secret. Bargaining. But you see there is not a lot of room for love or grace to flow with a bargain. Logically it should be less risk, but actually its pretty lonely.
So my homework for this session was to spend four hours with God with no distractions. No phones, no computer, no tv, no radio, no people....just me with my thoughts and God. So one morning after everyone left the house, I wrapped up in a blanket and sat on the couch. It took a while for all the to do lists and should do requirements to stop running through my mind, but eventually they stopped. And every once in a while I would drift off to sleep and then wake up and think my thoughts, think about God, leave all my worries with Him, and slowly but surely as time went by I got more and more relaxed. I experienced peace and acceptance like I never have before. I felt like a child, sitting on God's lap and had no cares in the world. I made no bargains with Him and He required nothing from me. I was not convicted, shamed, guilted, judged, nothing negative. He just accepted me for who I am. His creation. No pretenses. Just being. No fear. Just peace. And when I was finished my four hours, I could barely get myself pulled together to function. I was pleasantly surprised, I had actually been afraid to spend this much time with God because I was afraid of what He would expect of me. And much to my surprise He expected nothing.
I think that I would like to go back and have another visit with my Maker.