Friday, May 1, 2009

Thoughts

I realized something about myself just a minute ago, I blog when I am needing to sort out my emotions. I notice that I have been silent for a while and that was primarily because I was content and busy. I am a person who is passionate, and so my feelings any direction are strong, and I have learned in order for me to stay healthy I must regularly spend time sorting through my emotional vaults in my head and heart. Otherwise there can be landslides of all sorts that can hit innocent people just walking by.

I was trying to file a tax return for a friend last night and it got messed up somehow, and I feel discouraged about it this morning. I was able to do this last year and I am uncertain why the big change. I do not like to fail and because it is May 1st I missed a deadline which adds to my feeling of failure. I have always been anal about meeting deadlines, but I did not get some of the info I needed until yesterday and then the glitch. So I have a problem and I must inform my friend this day that I am not the hero I had hoped to be. I prefer being the hero...but no happy ending yet.

Also I and some of my family went for counseling last night, which always brings out lots of feelings. Of course as usual I have homework from that. You know turning 40 this June and having gone for lots of counseling in the past you would think I had it more together. But alas, no, I am human and must work on my problems. My most recent revelation was that I must become brave enough with my relationships to be vulnerable and tell people nicely at the time of the pain that how they just hurt me. Ouch! OUCH!! OUCH!!!!! Okay always embrace the pain, be vulnerable and never stop loving, this is one tall order. I think I will never get it all right. One emotion of mine or another always gets in the way and I must extend grace to myself in my blunders. Oh the pain of being human. Like when I get hurt by someone, to know what I feel enough or to be aware of what just happened to politely and objectively explain how I feel. My tendencies are to walk away thinking you are a complete moron or get mad and say some hurtful thing back at you. Groan...I think I would like to quite, but I won't. And tomorrow I go to see my own counselor, to discuss some more of the reasons why I hate church, cause this is the present issue I am working on. For all of you this is a life time issue for me, dating back to when I was born a pastor's child, and before you get your underwear in a knot I do still love God. I just don't have much use for organized religion called church, even though I usually go.

Tonight is the Awana Penny Carnival and I will be putting washable tattoos on children and teens all evening. My husband Jon will be doing balloon animals and my son Aaron is doing a dart board. Its just a fun windup for the kids, they can do any booth in the whole gym for a penny, and then they collect tickets from doing the activities and cash them in for candies. It is a lot of fun!
This year to celebrate my 40th I am going to get myself a tattoo for my birthday, if I get myself in shape. This is my gift to myself. So I started working out on WiiFit and so far I have lost 1.8lbs. I had to laugh cause this computer thing assesses you and it says I am overweight my co-ordination says I am 68 Wii years old and it asked me if I trip when I walk. How rude eh?! Well I guess I can only improve. My teenage children were present while I was doing this assessment doubled up laughing at me on the couch, because I needed there help to start the Wii up. Fortunately I was laughing with them, it was so incredibly rude it was funny!

Oh and by the way on Tuesday night a moose sauntered through our yard, went right through the garden and down the lane. He kept perking up his ears at the rock and roll that was coming from the music lessons in the other house. Rock and roll is alive and well out here in my yard. I find it makes me smile every time I here any of the kids and even a few adults playing, its very good for their souls. Its a rare day that I don't hear live music coming from either drums or guitars. I love it!!

2 comments:

  1. 68 Wii years old... bwahahahahaha... I bet I'd be about 150! Apparently they think being rude to you will inspire you :) I think I know some people like that too :)

    I miss you much.

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  2. Hey Becky,
    I am enjoying your blog. It is amazing how much you have grown in many different ways since we were separated.
    I am with you on the church thing. We seem to be going through similar questions as a staff. I guess we will see where church goes. Still sounds funny to me. Who ever thought I would be a paid church employee. Not I.
    Keep working through life. Keep refining the most Amazing person that God has made you.
    Gayle

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