My Heart

If you are following this blog at all you can see that I am wrestling with who I am and what I believe and what that looks like at the end of the day. Growing up in a preacher's family and all the circumstances around that pretty much destroyed my ability to have polite religious relationship with God, church or any form of religion, unless it is radically authentic. Which isn't always a bad thing, but it certainly comes out looking a bit crazy. I have totally had direct personal encounters with the spiritual world, both the good and the bad. And then my gifts allow me to know and see things that I can't do on my own...so if you tell me you have visions, hear voices, see ghosts etc...I don't automatically think you are crazy, and if you are crazy well I am okay with that too.

Anyways I was lent this book called "The Sacred Romance" by Brent Curtis & John Eldrege and it touched my heart, it speaks of the struggle my heart and soul is in. So I will share this paragraph: "Starting very early, life has taught all of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything. We have learned from parents and peers, at school, at work, and even from our spiritual mentors that something else is wanted from us other than our heart, which is to say, that which is most deeply us. Very seldom are we ever invited to live out of our heart. If we are wanted, we are often wanted for what we can offer functionally. If rich, we are honored for our wealth; if beautiful, for our looks, if intelligent, for our brains. So we learn to offer only those parts of us that are approved, living out a carefully crafted performance to gain acceptance from those who represent life to us. We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life. The inner life, the story of our heart is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. If is the unseen life, the mystery within--what Buechner calls our "shimmering self." It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart."

This touched me because this is what I believe life is about. If I don't live here in this above belief and protect my heart I soon loose desire to exists. I have tried to teach this to my children and sometimes I think they live it with more confidence than I. Each of my children are very unique, my oldest Josiah (18), is very academic, he can give you a guided tour about each animal at the zoo, even ones I did not know existed, and he is not reading the signs. But he also is very tenderhearted and can have deep conversations with his friends, he pays attention to people's feelings, he also plays drums and guitar and has written a song as well. My second son Aaron(16), is very artistic, whatever he sets his mind too he does with his whole heart. His room is painted black with different gray and red artistic accents on each of the four walls, he has long red hair and a lip piercing and is considering tattoo sleeves on his arms and he plays drums and guitar as well and is working on a band and writes music too. He also is compassionate and has many friends which he thoroughly enjoys. My daughter, Angelle(12), is also artistic, she loves to paint, takes art lessons,and is very aware of fashion. Not fashion in the just the shopping, but in creating her own clothing and mixing just the right clothes to portray different looks. She just got a sewing machine for her birthday and loves creating fashion for her Barbie's. She already seems confident of who she is and what she likes. She also does very well in school and has many friends. I am glad that my children can be whoever they are, I refuse to say no to things just because they make me uncomfortable or stretch my personal boundaries. This has enriched my life and I am grateful for all the expansion even when I am scared spitless and shitless.